Monday, 28 June 2010

Paul the octopus got it right!

What did you think of the England team's ‘performance’ yesterday?

There are no excuses - they were appalling.
The players did not show any team spirit, or national pride.

They are a disgrace to all the people who wasted their time and money travelling to South Africa to support them.

How can you have a decent team when the members are overpaid, overhyped tabloid celebs, more interested in the trappings of wealth than doing a good job?

Would it help to have a manager who was from England?
Was the fault Capello’s? Is he a useless manager? He certainly seems to have communication difficulties, so perhaps the ‘team’ struggled to understand what he wanted them to do.

What do you think?

Saturday, 26 June 2010

Octopus predicts football results

Do you have a psychic pet?
The Germans believe that they have.
Here is Paul, the psychic octopus who can predict football results.
Paul lives at the Oberhausen Sea Life Aquarium in Germany.
So far Paul has accurately predicted the results for the German football team in the World Cup.
Sadly for England fans, Paul has predicted that Germany will win tomorrow.

Saturday, 19 June 2010

What has happened to our gnomes?

The gnome used to be an important design feature in traditional British gardens. But times have changed and so have people’s tastes. The craze for wind chimes and low maintenance has lead to gardens becoming boring.
Gnomes with plump rosy cheeks and red pointy hats are no longer to be seen dipping their little rods into ornamental fish ponds.

Sad isn’t it?

Have you ever wondered where all the gnomes have gone?
The answer is – the tip. Best place for them you might think.
But Neil Goode from Birmingham has been busy rescuing discarded gnomes from a recycling centre, and has given them a new lease of life, by repainting them in World Cup colours.

Once the World Cup is over I suspect the poor gnomes will find themselves back on the scrap heap, unloved and unwanted.

As for the England team, judging by yesterday’s appalling performance, they will be too.

It is about time people questioned the obscene amounts of money paid to football players - all they do is fill the tabloids with their lavish lifestyles and wanton behaviour.

You can see his gnomes on the link below.

Friday, 18 June 2010


Do you like books?

I expect most of you do. I’m a student and I seem to spend more money on books than anything else.
In these cash strapped times, with the prospect of swingeing cuts under the ConDems, please don’t be tempted to emulate this Cambridge graduate, if you are short of cash for textbooks.
This villain, William Jacques, 41, stole £40,000 worth of rare books from the Royal Horticultural Society’s library, by smuggling them out under his tweed jacket. He also used a false name. The staff at the library became suspicious when he was noted to leave the library, on a regular basis with his ‘left arm held stiffly to his side.’

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Ummm….Let me take down your particulars????

How would you fancy a quickie in the back of the panda car with this hunk?

Jamie Slater, 33, a corrupt cop from Wales, was jailed for giving vulnerable female motorists, who had committed minor offences, the choice of prosecution, or sex.
Sadly some of his victims chose the latter and ended up becoming his panda car concubines.
The married father of two, was rumbled when one of his victims reported him after is sexual demands became ‘more unusual’.

The satyr of Port Talbot said in his defence: ‘I just wanted to be liked.’

Monday, 14 June 2010


Bet you didn’t know that the players at the World Cup have special balls.
Yes – these balls were designed by Dr. Andy Harland at the University of Loughborough. He spent four years researching footballs and designed ‘the roundest ball ever’, designed to maximize a player's skills.
The balls have been named ‘Jabulani’ which means ‘celebrate’ in Zulu.

Despite the special balls, I don’t think that the England team has anything to celebrate!

Sunday, 13 June 2010


If you are gutted after yesterday’s football fiasco from our useless team, cheer yourselves up with Greenland’s singing sensation.
This is Simon Lynge, the singing Eskimo. He is very cute and has a lovely American accent.

Saturday, 12 June 2010

Are you ready for tonight?

The shops are groaning with merchandise sporting the England logo. In one supermarket I spotted garden chairs with covers that had the England flag all over them. Beer and barbecue meat sales have rocketed.
If you are a learner driver, then venture out tonight at 7.30, you can guarantee that the roads will be deserted, as the rest of the population settle down to watch THE MATCH.

Even I might be tempted to watch, even though I am not a football fan, and have a moral aversion to grossly overpaid football ‘celebs’.
The USA beat England one-nil last time they met in 1950. Will it be a repeat performance?

Will you be able to cope with all this excitement?

Thursday, 10 June 2010


Are you looking forward to Saturday?
Have you rushed out to buy England flags and bunting?
Even ‘call me Dave’ will be flying the flag over number 10 – not in some declaration of independence for England, but to support our overpaid, overhyped useless football team.
One football fan has covered his mum’s sitting room floor with TURF. He said his mum did not know about it – but she will do soon with all the publicity he is getting!
What are you planning to do to celebrate the world cup?

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Are you into herpetology?

No…this is not some sort of dubious or deviant activity, it is the study of reptiles. Personally I hate reptiles, and was somewhat delighted today to hear that the global snake population is in decline. Usually if a snake rears its ugly head on the TV I have to dive for cover as I am totally snake phobic, and the sight of one makes me feel sick.
If you like snakes, then you might be saddened by the news that scientists have discovered that many snakes are on their way out.

From an environmental point of view, however, it is tragic. It is another example of animals disappearing due to global climate and environmental changes, no doubt caused by greedy capitalists.

Monday, 7 June 2010

Do you like having your photograph taken?

I don’t - being a minger I hate having my photograph taken. If anyone points a camera in my direction I turn into an exhibit in a gargoyle competition.
Some of my readers are stunning and attractive, so you can skip the next bit.
For those of you destined to become celebs, needing advice on how to pose on the red carpet at the Oscars or baftas, here are some tricks for looking good for the press:

Take a deep breath and exhale to appear relaxed.
Head up as if someone is pulling the crown of your head to the sky.
Chin ever so slightly up and forward to alleviate a double chin– not too much or you'll get a nostril shot.
Smile from your lower mouth only– eyes won't squint and wrinkles won't appear.
Know the best side of your face and position it to the camera.
Shoulders back.
Inside shoulder angled away from the camera–this sets the ¾ frame for the rest of you to appear slimmer.
Inside arm on upper hip to create shape and have your waist appear smaller.
Outside arm, straight and slightly away from your body to avoid ruining the line of your outfit and have your upper body appear leaner.
Hand in a semi-open pretty shape with fingers slightly apart. Tummy tight.
Hips forward and continue to be on a ¾ angle way from the camera to look slimmer.
Outside leg crossed over to the inside with foot pointed inward to create an elongated and slim leg. You are not putting any weight on this foot so leg muscles look lean.
Inside leg is your support. Once it is placed on your mark, everything will fall in place from there.

P.S. I think this sounds far too complicated – probably easier to avoid cameras altogether or just make sure you never become famous.

Thursday, 3 June 2010


My thoughts are with the people of West Cumbria following yesterday’s atrocities. They have also had to cope with the recent coach crash and the floods.
The police are now trying to work out why Derrick Bird did it. He shot his brother and a solicitor, together with innocent members of the public who were randomly mown down. Perhaps Bird had been stewing over a festering grudge and flipped.

Derrick Bird’s rampage highlights once again the evils of gun ownership. In 1987 Michael Ryan killed 16 people in Hungerford. In 1996 Thomas Hamilton killed 16 children and a teacher in Dunblane. Both of them were loners who had been harbouring a lot of pent up hatred against humanity.

In my opinion guns should be banned.

It seems impossible to predict who is ‘safe’ to own guns. Anyone can become mentally ill, paranoid or angry. Psychopaths are notorious for turning on the charm and fooling the authorities. Children have accidently shot themselves when parents have left loaded guns lying around.

So, the safest course of action would be to ban public gun ownership. It might help to reduce the probability of tragedies like Derrick Bird's rampage.

Wednesday, 2 June 2010


Do you like alcohol? – My favourite comedy character father Jack certainly does. The down-side is the hangover though. I ended up with a horrible hangover after a family wedding on Saturday – so I can sympathize with any one feeling a bit fragile from the effects of drink.
It is estimated that half a million people go to work every day with hangovers. The average employee has a hangover three times a month, and one in ten people have to go home early because they feel a bit poorly. This is bound to get a lot worse during the World Cup.
Despite these statistics nine out of ten people felt it was wrong to be hung-over at work.

Do you think it is OK for people to be hung-over at work, especially during the World Cup, or do you think it is wrong?

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

More misery for higher education

Things are not looking good in higher education.
Sally Hunt, the head of the UCU, has warned that there could be strikes. Universities have to grapple with £1.1bn worth of cuts, whilst the government is dishing out £8bn in tax incentives to businesses.
Education is suffering. Lecturers are suffering with the threats of redundancies.
Students are already suffering with bigger classes, less choice and the prospect of higher tuition fees and escalating debt. At a local university, our student petition against the changes disappeared into the ether of higher management, (and probably ended up in the shredder).

According to Sally Hunt, lecturers across the country will be going on strike.

As students, we will be 100% behind our lecturers, supporting them – even if it means our degrees will suffer when the strike becomes national.

Interesting times lie ahead.